Wednesday, March 16, 2016

10 Years- and Always With Me








10 Years. 
 Ten whole years. 

 The term "ten years" usually signifies something pretty monumental.  A ten year birthday is entering the double-digit years, the preteen years.  A ten year anniversary is a big deal for a married couple, as they have probably been through quite a bit together by this point, started a family, changed jobs, etc.  A ten year mark for a business is important, signifying that the business is solid, profitable, and well- respected.  

10 year anniversary of death though?  Not so great, not so monumental, not hardly believable.  It seems as though it was just a few months ago, but at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago.  Ten years ago, God called my amazing mom to her final home.  It was on a Wednesday, just like today.  Ten years ago I became a grown-up of sorts.  I was 25, so I was already a technical "grown up".  However, on this day 10 years ago I learned what it was like to really become a grown up- one without a mom to guide me through this crazy life. 


I knew it was coming in those final few months, but I kept hoping and praying for a miracle.  I prayed that my mom was going to be miraculously healed and used as an example of God's amazing powers. This wasn't to be, and she went home to Heaven on March 16.  


I remember what I had on.  I remember walking out of the hospital with my dad around 1am.  I remember the smell of the air, the way the sun shone the day we laid her to rest, and the way I felt lost.  I remember the way I felt like I had to be strong for my family, and take over my mom's role as the family coordinator.  I remember the food the people brought to our house.  I remember cleaning out her closet and saving so many of her things that I still won't part with.  I remember reading the journal she left me constantly just to feel a little closer to her.  I remember returning to work to the best first grade class ever- the way those kids and their families loved on me was something I will never forget. I remember the amazing friends that I have- sitting with me going through pictures of my mom, coming and staying with me. I remember how patient Jeremy was with my constant emotional state. I remember being consumed by worry about my dad and my grandma.  I remember wondering if I would ever not feel lonely and lost.



Then days, weeks, months passed.  I changed jobs, we moved closer to home.  I gained some new friends that are now like sisters to me.  I was blessed with the amazing gift of Brady one year later- coming a month early, going into labor on the anniversary of her death- so that this time of year is always a joyful time. 

 The pain lessened. 

 I threw myself full-speed ahead into motherhood. We became busier and busier. With every joyous occasion, I wished she was there more than anything.  Next came Luke, then Claire.  The hole in my heart has shrunk down so much, because my heart is so full from being a mommy.  Often times though, I will look at my kids and just ache to see her with them.  Jeremy just said to me the other day after a basketball game of Brady's "man, your mom would have loved watching him play."  I know that she has the best seat in the house, but that doesn't quite fill the gap of her physical presence.



  


Over the course of these 10 years, the pain has decreased.  I guess the saying that "time heals" is somewhat true. However, I don't ever think there will be a day where I don't ache to talk to her or hug her.  I have learned that I must do as she always said and "live my life".  I have learned to try to cherish each moment with my family.  I take this to the extreme at times and know that I need to work on this.  For instance, Jeremy and I have never been away from the kids overnight.  Ever.  This is not because I am some crazy control freak of a mom, but because I am petrified of leaving them early like my mom left me.  I feel the need to spend every moment with them that I can.   I often times think about what must have been going through my mom's head during her illness as she looked at my brothers and I.  As horrific as it was losing her, I cannot imagine knowing that I am leaving my husband and children.  She handled it with such grace and poise, making sure she had everything ready, everything said that needed to be said.  I cry thinking of how this must have killed her inside.   





The miracle I prayed for didn't happen, but lessons that were larger than life did.  I have learned so much from losing my mom, even 10 years later.  I have learned that we shouldn't always pray for what WE want to happen, but for God's will.  I have learned to value the quality of relationships in my life over the quantity.  My mom had several dear friends that are still close to me today, and I know that I have been blessed with some similar kinds of friends.  I have learned that it is imperative to help others dealing with loss...this somehow makes everything I went through make a tiny bit more sense.  I have learned that being a mother is the hardest, yet most rewarding job in the universe.  I have learned that ten years sounds like an incredibly long time, but it goes by in the blink of an eye.  I have learned to look for signs of my mom everywhere- in the sunshine on beautiful days, in the snuggles on snowdays, in my kids laughter as they dance to Whip and NaeNae in front of the tv.  I have learned to not feel sorry for myself, that there is always someone dealing with something even worse.  I have learned that my mom taught me everything I needed from her in my short time with her- I still recall things she said, recipes she made, lectures she gave me--ten years later.  Most of all, I have learned that when she wrote that no matter what, she will always be with me- she was serious.  She is with me, at all time, right inside of my heart. 

 So on this tenth anniversary of sorts, I pray that my mom is happy, not sad. I pray that she continues to watch over my family and be her grandchildren's guardian angel. I pray that she continues to make her presence known all of the time, and that my kids will grow up knowing how very much she loved them before they were even here.