#38. Marriage is Work.... (11th Anniversary Post)

Marriage is work.  It has its ups and downs, times of incredible feeling and feelings of how did I get here?  Always remember how good it can be and don't settle for anything less.

I thought that it was extremely appropriate to save this item from the journal for our wedding anniversary.  Today marks 11 years of being married.  11 years!  We were just babies when we got married!  It is so hard to believe that in 11 years we have been through 1 apartment, two houses, 4 jobs, the death of a parent and 2 grandparents, 3 babies, and zillions of memories.

  

I don't want to repeat everything that I wrote about in my second ever post (my mom's take on true, long- lasting love), but for a quick recap, here it is:  Jeremy and I met our senior year at opposing high schools.  At the time we met, we had both already committed to attending Miami University for college.  We began to date, attended each other's senior proms, and went off to college together.  It wasn't always perfect- we definitely had plenty of teenage/college arguments/breakups where we gave each other our "stuff" back (haha!), but we stayed together all 4 years of college.

Senior Prom!!!  Jeremy was sporting some Beverly Hills 90210 sideburns ;)

Freshman year of college- we look like babies!

My freshman dorm room at Miami!

My mom was diagnosed during our senior year of college.  By this point, we knew that we would get married.  My mom actually stated this after our first date- she adored Jeremy.  He was my rock through her entire sickness.  He does not do well with anything involving the medical field, but he sucked it up and sat with me through her surgeries, treatments, and more.

College selfie :)

Bar hopping in college

School of Education graduation at Miami, 2003 with our dear friends Josh and Rachel

We got engaged right after our senior year of college...we may have rushed it a bit being that we were only 22 and fresh out of college, but there was always an unstated sense of urgency that we wanted my mom to be there.  Jeremy was offered a fantastic job in downtown Chicago immediately following graduation, but instead took a job close to home because he knew that I could not pick up and move halfway across the county when my mom was so ill.

Engagement dinner!

We were married on July 10 of 2004...two young, 23 year old kids.  We grew up alot those first few years of marriage...dealing with my mom's declining health and her death, building a house and then moving because of job changes, and more.  Jeremy was the voice of reason in our marriage when I immediately wanted children because I wanted my mom to be here for them...he knew that it wasn't the right reasons or time.  He was my rock when I had breakdowns all.the.time over my mom's illness and then death.  Many of his 24-25 year old guy friends were still going out all the time, living it up, dating around, and just having fun being young.  Jeremy had to grow up much more quickly than others because he chose to marry me, and along with me came the baggage of a dying mother.  It wasn't exactly the ideal start to our lives together- at times we looked with envy at friends who got to travel all over the country before having children, had little responsibilities or committments...meanwhile we were driving to my parents house and/or the hospital constantly for the first 1.5 years of our marriage.

Through all of this, Jeremy NEVER once complained.  Not once.  This makes me think that even  before my mom wrote this journal for me, he was fulfilling part of this item #38.- I am sure that during some of those early times when I was an emotional basketcase, or when he was sitting in a hospital with me rather than at a ballgame with friends, he was thinking "how did I get here!?".  I am sure it flashed through his head that this was not what he had pictured getting married would be like....but he stuck by me, never complaining, always smiling and making my mom and I laugh, and just being the amazing human that he is.

Now, I know that when my mom wrote this item in the journal, she wasn't really just meaning that marriage was work because of things like we went through early on, but yet they did test and strengthen our marriage from the start.

"Marriage is work."  How true this is, but how often this work seems to get ignored!!!  Marriage isn't a 9-5 job that you go to and get paid for.  Marriage isn't even work like how having children is work- you HAVE to feed and bathe and care for your children.  There isn't anything that you HAVE to do for your marriage in order to function as a person on a daily basis.  However, that seems to be why so many marriages may end up having problems or troubles.  Because there is nothing that needs visibly "tended" to in marriage on a daily basis, and because life is SO incredibly busy, it can be so, so easy to push marriage to the backburner and assume that things will always be fine.

As the parents of 3 young children, we know firsthand that our marriage can get put aside because our kids keep up so busy/crazy.  There are plenty of nights that by the time we get the kids to bed and the house picked up, one of us (JEREMY) is passed out on the couch or snoring in bed.  We really TRY though to make time each night to talk about the day, our kids, anything coming up that needs discussed, etc.  Just having a 20 minute conversation to end the day is time put in towards "working" on our marriage.  When we are on the same page about things and have this time to connect, we function so much better as a couple.

Marriage definitely has it's ups and downs. Anyone would be lying to say it doesn't!  Are there times when we are so tired or stressed because of work or kids that we snap at each other or give the silent treatment (guilty as charged)?  Of course.  We have even had some major blowups in our 11 years of marriage over petty things, but we both always want to win the argument.  However, through all of this, I always flash back to this item in the journal- ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW GOOD IT CAN BE AND DON"T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS.  We always, always end our fights/silent treatments by remembering this....we have it WAY too good to settle for anything less.  We have 3 beautiful, healthy children and a great life together...it is so, so worth fighting for and working on.

  

To us, "working" on our marriage these days consists of our nightly talks and things such as watching 15 minutes of TV together before we pass out.  It means getting a grandparent to babysit once in awhile so that we can escape and have dinner in peace.  It means being completely honest with each other about everything  It means giving a hug/kiss goodbye/goodnight/good morning/just because.  It means sharing responsibilities to help the other one out- minor things can mean so much.  Just the other evening, I had a horrible migraine.  Jeremy simply told me to go lay down, made me a cup of tea, and then shut me in our room and took care of bathing the kids and getting them to bed.  This might not seem like a huge deal, but to me it was a sign of his "work" and respect and commitment to me and our marriage.

I can't reflect on this item in the journal without mentioning my parents' marriage.  They were married 29 years before my mom passed.  I know that she wrote this item in the journal based on personal experience...she and my dad had an incredibly strong marriage.  I have very vivid memories of watching them kiss as soon as my dad got home from work each night, sit on the deck with their coffee/tea each evening and hold hands and talk, taking long walks hand-in-hand on the beach, and more.  I know that they went through much of what Jeremy and I now deal with- the stress of working and having 3 young children and finding time for each other.  They taught me that "working" on your marriage doesn't require money, fancy gifts, or fancy dates.  

It simply requires respect and time.  

Brady is his dad's mini bff.

Luke is such a daddy's boy!

Daddy's little girl- these kids adore their dad!

The love that they shared was so special, but I know they had moments of ups and downs.  I know that dealing with my mom's sickness was alot of downs, but they tried to make the most of it.  When it got towards the end, my mom wrote these journals for my brothers and I, as well as one for my dad, because it was "work" that she felt she had to do for her marriage and motherhood.  She actually went as far as to make a list of women that my dad should look into dating once she was gone (crazy, I know).  I think that this was a sense of "work" for her towards their marriage though...she loved him so strongly, so fiercely, that she did not ever want him to be alone.  She talked to me alot about it and encouraged me to help him move on.  She knew that their love was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, and she did not want to see him grow old alone.  I think that this is why my dad and my stepmom clicked so well....she too lost her husband to cancer.  They had an amazing marriage and three beautiful children like my parents.  My dad and Deb have a deep respect for their first marriages and the work that went into them.  They work on their marriage now with love and admiration towards each other but also towards their first loves.

As I think back on our 11 years as a married couple, my memories are so, so, so full of joy and happiness.  I pray every night that we have many, many, many more years together and get the privilege of good health and growing old together.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jeremy was handpicked for me, and that my mom probably high-fived God when she got to Heaven for selecting him for me.  Jeremy is alot of things..serious but fun, hardworking and a perfectionist (he writes with a ruler hehehe), patient and loving, and so much more.  He is an outstanding husband, and and even better father.  He doesn't have to teach the boys to get me flowers, he doesn't have to let Claire pick out jewelry for me at Claire's Boutique at the mall, and he certainly doesn't have to tell the kids stories about my mom that are followed by 100 questions....but he does.  For all of these reasons, plus a million more, I know that I am so blessed that God gave him to me.  Marriage is definitely work...but there is nothing I would rather work at than my family- being a good wife and a good mom.  I pray that we set a good example of a strong marriage for our children, the way that our parents did/do, and that someday our children are blessed in the same way that we have been.

Loves of my life

                                  For this post, I thought I would share my mom's fruit pizza recipe.  I make it every single year for the Fourth of July and sometimes again for our anniversary.  Jeremy loves it, as does everyone that tries it!  It is time consuming but soooo worth it!  This is a picture of the finished product last week...I need to get better about taking step-by-step photos!

                                         

Mom's Fruit Pizza

For the crust:

1 cup powdered sugar

1 cup sugar

1 cup canola oil

1 cup margarine or butter

2 eggs

1 tsp. vanilla

4 cups plus 4 tablespoons flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

Mix sugars, oil, and butter.  Stir in eggs and vanilla.  Mix dry ingredients together, then add gradually to butter mixture.  Grease large jelly roll pan and press cookie dough down to desired thickness (I make mine about 1/4 inch thick).  Bake at 375 degrees for about 25 minutes.  You will have extra dough to make a smaller pizza too!

Then, mix:

8 oz. of cream cheese 

4 oz. of cool whip (half of a container).  

Spread evenly over cooled cookie crust.

Next, cut up a variety of fruit and arrange on the cream cheese mixture...I always use strawberries halved, blueberries, raspberries, kiwi, grapes, etc.  I have used peaches, blackberries and more.  

Finally, on the stove, mix together:

1/2 cup pineapple juice

1/4 cup sugar

1 tablespoon of cornstarch

1/2 tsp. lemon juice

Bring to a boil over medium heat and boil for 2 minutes or until thick, stirring constantly.  Cool and then brush over the fruit.  Keep refrigerated.  Enjoy!