Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Courage Is Not Optional

Courage is not optional.  Courage is not the absence of fear, but proceeding in the face of it.



This is without a doubt one of my favorite things in this journal, one that I turn to time and time again.  Courage is such a hard trait to have at times, but one that we should always possess and use.  



Fear is something that paralyzes so many people from various things- pursuing what they really want in life, fighting for someone or something that they need or deserve, even the fear of a sickness or disease.  Before I read this quote years ago, I believed that courage truly was the absence of fear.  People that were courageous to me were fearless, and were so strong and brave.  Witnessing my mom's battle and this quote coming to life were proof that courage is in fact not the absence of fear.  It is moving forward, fighting the fear head on with everything in your heart and soul.  

I chose to write about this quote this week because I have received several questions/emails about what exactly happened to my sweet mom. With Mother's Day closing in on us, I thought that this would be an appropriate time to answer these questions and pay tribute to the lesson that she taught that we can all learn from- proceeding in the face of fear, no matter what that fear may be.


My family at my Mom's surprise 50th birthday party- just 6 months before she left this Earth.

It was a chilly November evening- Thanksgiving Eve, and I had just gotten home from college for Thanksgiving break of my senior year.  I can still picture the Abercrombie khakis and Gap blue sweater I had on.  Jeremy's parents had picked us up and drove us the four hour jaunt home.  No sooner did I get in the door, and my parents summoned me to the family room.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My mom very calmly explained to me that she had found a lump in her armpit while shaving in the bathtub the previous week.  She had just had a routine mammogram 2 weeks prior that was NORMAL.  (complete side note- don't just rely on tests, trust your instincts and know your own body.)  My mom was a nurse and a nursing instructor at a local small college, so she knew what to do immediately.  She called her doctor and had the lump aspirated, as well as an MRI of her breast 2 days later.  The results had come back that it was a very invasive form of breast cancer.  


This photo was labeled on the back as "first day of chemo".

I remember sinking into the couch and thinking it was a bad dream.  She went on that it was obviously already in her lymph nodes and that she would be having surgery on the day after Thanksgiving to remove all of the lymph nodes and the miniscule lump in her breast that was found through the MRI.  She told me that the type of cancer was pretty rare and not very responsive to treatment.  The doctors had given her 5 years maximum to live.  Then my mom said something that has stuck with me all of these years, something that perfectly sums up her attitude throughout her entire sickness.  She said "Andy (my nickname in my immediate family), listen- I can either curl up in a hole and die, or I can fight like hell...what do you think I am going to do?"  

My college graduation from Miami- she almost couldn't come because
of low white blood cell counts.

From that moment forward, my mom plowed straight into the valley of fear with a barrel of courage.  She had surgery 2 days later and immediately started a hard-core regimen of chemo and radiation.  Her hair was gone by Christmas.  I know she was scared- she kept many, many personal journals throughout her ordeal and I often would sneak a peek at them to see what was going on with her.  She wouldn't always tell me every detail because she didn't want to worry me, especially when I just had one semester of college left to finish up.  I know that she worried tremendously about what would happen to my dad, my brothers, her mom, and myself.  I know that she was scared of the treatments- but she proceeded.  


After one of many rounds of chemo at my older brother's wedding

She was declared in remission shortly after my college graduation in May, but was warned that it would be back.  She continued to face her fear head on.  She did whatever she possibly could to avoid having the evil disease come back- she worked out everyday.  She ate an extremely healthy diet- I specifically recall driving all over God's green earth with her to find broccoli sprouts and some sort of shark oil- they were said to have major cancer-fighting agents in them.  But still it came back.  Again and again and again.  In her neck, in her chest, it wouldn't go away.  We would hold our breath every time she went for body scans and blood work.  She went everywhere from her amazing local oncologist to Cleveland Clinic to James Cancer Center in Columbus to a trial at Sloan-Kettering in New York to John Hopkins in Baltimore.  She just saw no other option other than to proceed.  Was she scared? Of course.  But to her, courage was NOT optional.  


In the midst of it all, she always helped others-
here she is in my first grade classroom teaching my
students to make chocolate covered pretzels.

Once it became apparent in early 2006 that the end would be coming soon, her courage continued to grow.  I literally make myself sick at times thinking about what must have been going through her head during these months...months when treatment ceased, months when she was in so much pain.  She knew that she was going to be leaving us, and still she had courage.  Courage to look at death straight in the face and say "It's ok."  Courage to write us guides for how to live our lives.  Courage to proceed into the unknown with so much faith, so much peace.  


Christmas 2005- her last one

I remember sooo many times during those final couple of months when I would hang out at my parents' house and lay in bed with my mom.  We would watch some HGTV, some food network, and talk.  I remember so clearly asking her if she was scared...and she always said the same thing.  She was not scared to die.  She was not scared of where she would be going.  Her faith was SO strong, so huge, she knew it would be ok.  She was scared of leaving us.  Like any mother, she was scared of who would take care of us, who would fulfill her role and duties.  She found the courage to leave us journals, baby blankets, Christening blankets, and so much more.  She fought through her fears, fears that would paralyze some, and kept giving everything she could to the end.  




Something else that stands out in my mind, something that is so hard for me to wrap my head around, is that she was NEVER angry.  Never.  Sometimes we see people that have such large fears that they become angry and bitter because of them.  My mom had so much faith in God's plan and so much peace in her heart that she was never, ever angry.  Was she sad at times?  Yes.  I think seeing her angry would have been easier to deal with than seeing her sad.  She didn't show it often, but the times that I saw her sad about leaving us were pretty unbearble.  When I think back to it, being sad a few times in front of me was just part of her having courage.  Courage to be honest, open, and real. Courage to love as only a mother can love.  


She was supposed to be on "house arrest" because of low white blood cell
count during my wedding shower, but she set it all up, made much of the food,
and just sat by herself so as not to get germs.  She wouldn't have missed
it for the world!

Now, there are many, many things in the book she left me, as well as her own journals, that make it very apparent that her faith in God was her backbone.  She could not have ever proceeded the way that she did without her faith and trust in God.   Ultimately, it was God who gave her this courage that she displayed everyday.  It was prayer that led her along the path of fear she faced.

  
Since having children of my own, I face constant fears.  I am a worrier by nature, and as a mother, I constantly fear for my children's health, safety, and happiness.  I fear for my own health, as I could potentially face what my own mom did.  I repeat this quote to myself at least 10 times a day- courage is not the absence of fear!  It is proceeding in the face of it.  I have been taking steps towards some drastic preventative measures to avoid dealing with the awful disease that took my mom all too soon- and I am extremely fearful of doing so.  But I find courage in my mom's words, knowing that it is ok to be scared, as long as that fear doesn't hold me back from moving forward.  



I pray that I can teach these three about being courageous no matter what.


When my mom sat down to write this part of the journal, I don't necessarily think that she was centering it around her courage of facing cancer head on.  I think she simply wanted me to know that no matter what I face, no matter what scares me or causes me to fill with fear, I must never allow it to stop me from my end goal.  It is ok to be scared, it is human and natural.  But we must never, ever give up because of fear.  Whether that fear is failure, embarrassment, pain, heartache, or more, we must proceed.  Then, if when all is said and done, we still end up with the failure, pain, embarrassment, or heartache, we are still left with something- knowledge that we had courage to fight.  Pride that fear didn't stop us from trying, and pride that we pushed on and gave it our best shot.  I pray that I can instill this in my own children, even as children.  I don't ever want fear to hold them back from anything (unless it is something like skydiving or swimming with sharks).  I want them to know that it is ok to be scared, but to always be courageous.  


As my mom said to me on that Thanksgiving eve so many years ago, she was going to fight like hell.  That she did.  Full of faith, hope, and courage.  And that is a lesson that I will never forget.


This magnet hung on my parents refrigerator for years and now hangs on mine.  :)


Friday, April 17, 2015

#13- My Priorities




Make your husband and children your priority. They will remember the time that you spend with them, not what you spend on them.



This statement constantly plays over and over in my head.  In today's world, we are continually pulled in a million different directions each day.  Everyone, everywhere, is on the go go go.  There never seems to be enough hours in a day.  I know that I, as a working mama of 3, feel that I cannot keep up with my never-ending to-do list.  I am forever trying to multi-task:  cooking dinner while folding laundry while helping Brady with homework while unpacking lunchboxes while responding to texts/emails while getting Luke a snack while playing princesses with Claire....the list can go on and on. 
Love, love, love making sweet memories with my babies!

There are times when I think about my mom and know what she would say to me in certain situations.  When it comes to the above quote, I am pretty sure she would say that I don't always do my best at this.  While I strive to live as she taught me to and as God wants me to,  I definitely teeter on failure at times of something that sounds so basic.  Hopefully writing about it will help to hold me more accountable for this.  


Cooking/Baking with my kids is one of my most favorite things to do!!!

I interpret this quote into so many different aspects of my life, and following are just a few.

I think that today's society plays a pivotal role in how different this quote would have been when I was growing up.  Nowadays it seems as though there are endless activities for my children to be involved in, as well as limitless distractions for everyone- many of which involve technology.  I am the first to admit that technology is one of my biggest downfalls...my iPhone to be exact.  I am not often without my phone, even when playing with my kids.  It is almost like it is part of my everyday outfit to have it in my pocket.  I don't like to be without it even when with my kids because I am so afraid of missing a cute photo opportunity...I need to start focusing more on actually being PRESENT with them rather than just being physically there.  Of course, having pictures on my cell phone is nice, but if I am focusing so much on getting the perfect picture or checking email, then what good is it if I can't recall the actual memory we could have been making while I was preoccupied with my phone!?  This is definitely something I am working on every day- putting the phone away until our kids go to bed each night, not getting up every time I hear my phone ring, etc. 

A bucket and hose and no shirts = loads of fun and memories!


I think that today's society also affects this quote because of how careers have changed.  I, like many busy moms, enjoy my career.  I love helping kids learn to read, I love watching them go from writing a few words to several complete sentences.  Today's teaching fields have changed, as have many professional fields.  There is constant stress involved with my job- constant trainings, conferences, continuing education, evaluations, state assessments, etc.  I often times stress about it at home, bring home loads of work, and can easily spend hours on the computer looking up ideas and doing plans.  However, I have had to make a very conscious effort to not let my job become my priority.  My priorities without a doubt above all are my 3 children and Jeremy.  I am trying very hard to accept that I don't have to be the perfect teacher, the perfect housekeeper/cook/mother/wife, I just need to give them my time.  


Simple things make for the best memories.

Sundays are always fundays with these three!
  
Another aspect of this quote, the most important part, is that my children will remember the TIME I spend with them, not what I spend on them. I like to surprise the boys with a new pair of Under Armour socks or pick up a random set of junk jewelry for Claire, but is that what they will remember days, weeks, months from now?  I love to play ball with my boys and princesses with Claire.  I love reading them books and playing board games with them.  I especially love cooking with them.  I have never heard one of my boys say "Hey mom, remember when you got me that sweet shirt or those awesome socks?"  However, I Have heard them say "Remember that night we camped out in the living room?", or "remember the night we read 16 books in a row?"  My kids especially love when we go on vacations or weekend trips- not necessarily because of the fun things we do or places we go, but because they think it is the coolest thing in the world to be stuck in a condo or hotel room all together!  They most definitely will remember the time I spend with them, not what I ever spend on them. 


One of the best things in the world...rocking my babies. 

I think this statement can definitely be flip-flopped as well. I will remember the time I spend with my kids, being truly present with them, as opposed to the hours I spend on Amazon looking for cool Christmas or birthday gifts for them.  I will remember the sparkle in their eyes as we  made reindeer food or muffins or cookies.  I will remember the giggles as we have battles with the hose and squirt guns.  I will even remember and cherish the long (and sometimes torturous) car rides to the beach or whatever vacations we go on because they mean uninterrupted time with my babies.  I will remember rocking Claire to sleep even though I have a gazillion other things to do, and I will remember getting up with her 34602 times a night to have full conversations about Elsa and Anna.  I will remember the nights when the boys talked me into just ONE more story, even though it was already past their bedtime.

"Pleeeeease Mommy, just 5 more minutes of this movie!???"


 Something I am pretty sure of:  I WON'T remember what nights I got everything on my to-do list completed.  I won't remember nights where the kids are in bed early and I had time to spend doing schoolwork or on the computer. 

Love that my brothers and I always lined up on the couch the way my kids do now. Sorry to my big brother Chris for
posting a picture of him holding a Cabbage Patch Kid!  hehehe!

When I think back to my childhood, I have SO many memories of cooking with my mom, having family game nights, watching TGIF with my family every Friday with a big bowl of popcorn (sidenote- there will never be a lineup as great as Full House and the rest of TGIF).  None of my memories of my childhood have anything to do with my parents taking me shopping for or giving me "things".

Lots of my childhood memories involve simple things like feeding the ducks at the marina.

  It is one of my sole responsibilities to help shape my children's memories- so I need to make it my priority to make them good ones.  Claire, at the young age of 2, gets so excited when the 5 of us do something together.  She will say "it's our whole samily (family)!"  My boys love, love when we are all home in the evening without any practices or meetings and we can all eat dinner then play a game or have a movie night together. 

Practicing piano with my Mama

My best friends and I obviously talk about our families constantly.  Without a doubt, one of the biggest factors in why we are so bonded is that we have such a mutual understanding of this quote of my mom's with respect to each other. We are in very frequent communication with one another, but at times there may be days and weekends that go by where we don't talk or text, or when on vacation this can last for a week.  This is an unspoken understanding that we have- while we love each other and love to chat, our families are our absolute priorities, especially while our children are so young.

Family vacations make for amazing memories :)

When I think of my 25 years that I had my sweet mom, I am flooded with memories of things we did together...cooking, baking, walking, shopping, swimming, gardening, and so much more.  None of the memories that come to mind when I think of her involve physical things, they involve activities that we did together.  When I have my moments where my heart literally aches for her, it isn't because I want her to be here to buy me a new purse...it's to spend TIME with her, to talk with her.

Is it crazy that I remember how it made me insane if my mom didn't get all of
the "bumps" out of my hair when fixing it!  Ha!

If you take anything away from this blog post at all....if you have small children or grown children or no children at all- just spend TIME with those you love the most.  Not time on your phones or time buying new things, just TIME.  Time to really TALK and understand their minds and hearts and souls. Time to know what mark they want to make in this world.  Time to learn from them, even if they are tiny children.  Time is what they will remember.  Make those you love the most- your children, your spouse- your priorities above all else. 


This photo of me baking was captioned "Making nut rolls with Mommy".
 
I think that part of the reason my mom left this world with peace in her heart was not just because she was so full of faith.  It was because she made my dad, my brothers and I her constant priority, even to the end.  I think about when she must have been writing us our journals- late at night, after my dad was asleep, at her desk.  She didn't feel good soo much of the time, but it was her priority to make sure we had a roadmap for the rest of life in the form of our journals.  It was her priority to make sure we were ok.

My # 1 priorites...always.

She had zero regrets, even in her short 50 years.  She is my hero for a million and one reasons- for her faith in God, her perseverance, her courage, her grace, her unconditional love.  If I had to pick one thing that I want to most want to emulate about my mom, it is the kind of wife and mom she was.  I hope that Jeremy, Brady, Luke and Claire always feel that they are my priorities, that they come first.  I hope that if something would happen to me at a young age like my mom that they recall the time I spent with them fondly and remember me as wanting to be with them above all else. 


This may sound silly, but for some reason the song "I Could Not Ask For More" plays CONSTANTLY in my head- it started back when Brady was a baby and has continued to play in my head when I rocked Luke and still now Claire..it plays in my head when I watch them sleep, watch them out the window running and playing, etc. and it could not be more appropriate for this post. These are the lyrics I have sung to all 3 of them while rocking them over the years:

"These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive
These are the moments I'll remember all my life
I've got all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more."



I thought it would be appropriate to post a recipe that my kids and I love to make together, and one that my mom made with me all of the time!

Chocolate Chip Zucchini Muffins

-3 cups shredded zucchini (we grown TONS in the summer and freeze it to use all year long)
-1 2/3 cups sugar
-2/3 cup vegetable or canola oil
-2 teaspoons vanilla
-4 eggs
-3 cups flour
-2 teaspoons baking soda
-1 teaspoon salt
-1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
-1/2 teaspoon baking powder
-1 cup chocolate chips or mini chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Line muffin pans with papers.  Mix all ingredients together, folding in chocolate chips last.  Fill muffin tins halfway and bake for 20-22 minutes.  Remove from oven and leave in pans for 5 min before transferring to wire racks.  These can be stored at room temp in Ziploc bag or container, or stored in refrigerator or frozen!  Enjoy! :)




Wednesday, April 8, 2015

#103- Talking to God Daily- Give Thanks for All Good Things and People in Your Life




Don't pray only when things are bad.  Talk to God daily.  Give thanks for all good things and people in your life.  Pray for those less fortunate.
I am the first to admit that I know I used to talk to God MUCH more when things were "bad".  I would take my problems to Him constantly but fail to remember to thank Him for all of the good in my life.  I would be so "busy" with life that I would only remember to spend time talking to Him at Mass on Sundays and when I had a problem. I remember when my mom was sick I had such a hard time praying about anything else at all except for Him to spare her life.  I failed to thank Him for giving me the amazing mother that he did in the first place, along with a wonderful father, brothers, husband, friends, and extended family.  As I have gotten older and had children of my own, I am reminded constantly how much good is in my life.  I find myself so overcome by gratefulness and thankfulness at times that it overwhelms me- when I watch my kids sleep, when I see them with Jeremy or their grandparents, when a dear friend offers me unconditional love and support, and so many more times.

Beyond thankful for these 3.
Right after my mom passed away, I took a week off of work.  I was at my parent's home every day and helped my dad clean out some things, write thank you notes, etc.  I was in a very low place at this point and was trying SO hard to be positive for my dad, brothers, and grandmother.  I thought I had to be superwoman and hold it together for everyone, but on the inside I was very bitter and sad.  I remember barely even praying at that point.  I was so sad and felt like God had taken my happiness, there was nothing left to ask for or to thank Him for.  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go back to work- I didn't really want to do anything except be sad. 
Coloring eggs is such a fun Easter tradition- Claire was covered in dye!
Then I went back to work...and my attitude quickly changed.  Waiting for me on my desk was a prayer journal, flowers, and cards from the families of my students.  Cards full of love and hope and uplifting messages that made me realize there was a reason I was there.  Each day for 2 weeks there were more goodies each day to lift my spirits- Starbucks drinks, a cross bracelet, fun magazines, and more.  Some of the amazing parents in that room had collected money from the families that could afford it to make my return more manageable.  At that moment, facing those 17 little faces so proud of themselves, I knew I had SO much to still be thankful for.  I just needed to wake up and realize it.  That class helped me through the toughest time in my life- and I am forever grateful.  They taught me that even in the toughest times, there is still so much to be thankful and grateful for, we just have to look around.

My 3 guys :)
In the past several years, I have tried to be much more conscientious of talking to God daily- not just when saying prayers at night in bed, but really thanking Him for my life and all that is in it.  Each morning when I get up (I am always the first one up), I make myself a cup of coffee and sit down for a short while with a couple of devotionals (Jesus Calling is my favorite).  I think about my upcoming day and thank God for everything that is about to happen in it.  Since starting this little "tradition" in the mornings, I am so much more aware of the blessings surrounding me.  Do I still pray to God when things are bad or I'm extra worried about something? Absolutely.  But I make sure to thank him every day for my blessings- especially the three little ones in my house.  I am very aware that there are so many people less fortunate, and I don't just mean financially.  People dealing with illnesses, stress, unhappiness, loneliness, etc.  I pray that these people can find some sort of peace and thankfulness in their lives, even amongst hard times.

Claire LOVED getting her face painted at the Easter Bunny breakfast!
This Easter weekend was so full of things to be thankful for.  Obviously Easter is a time of rejoicing and thankfulness for the Resurrection- Jesus died on the cross for US- so that we may live this life full of things to be thankful for.   Every bit of our weekend emulated joy and for that I am so thankful! 
But she wasn't a fan of the bunny- thank goodness for protective older brothers!

Leaving a snack for the bunny!

The kids and I made Resurrection rolls on Friday- an idea that I had seen on Pinterest and several blogs.  They turned out fantastic!  It was soo cool to use something as simple as crescent rolls and marshmallows to reinforce the meaning of Easter to my kids.  I followed the exact directions on The Larson Lingo blog, which included the verses to read during each step. (http://thelarsonlingo.blogspot.com/2012/04/ressurection-rolls.html   We made Easter cookies too- I am so thankful for time in the kitchen with my kids!

Resurrection rolls were such a fun, yummy, and meaningful breakfast on Good Friday!


Ready for the oven!
We went to a wonderful breakfast with the Easter Bunny with a lot of our friends and family- the kids had a ball!  I am so grateful for friends that are family and that love my children like their own.  My kids love hanging out with friends that are more like cousins- it is so fun watching them all grow up together! 

"Friends become our chosen family"- these 9 have been together since birth!

Claire and one of her sweet Godmothers, "Shell" at the Easter Bunny breakfast :)
We had several egg hunts, spent time with Jeremy's family, my Dad and stepmom and family, and enjoyed some quiet time at home.
Beautiful afternoon for an egg hunt at Pap and Deb's!

The bunny wasn't thinking how cold it was going to be for hunting eggs at 7am!

The bunny was smart and hid their baskets inside- hence the Walmart bags for hunting eggs at 7am.

On several occasions over the weekend, I caught myself frozen in place, just staring at my family.
 I was thinking how grateful I am to be able to experience simple moments where I feel my mom's presence blessing our family and God's gifts all around us- like these ones of Claire and my dad. 



I hope that everyone had a blessed Easter weekend surrounded by people they are thankful for.  Take a few minutes today to thank God for all of the good in your life, even if you are having a bad day or facing something very difficult.  You will be surprised at how many more blessings you become aware of as you take a moment to talk with God.  xoxo
For this week's recipe, I decided to post my mom's sour cream pound cake.  I have so many memories of her making this for Easter- even making it into mini cakes in a Williams- Sonoma Easter egg pan some years.  She made it all year long but I especially remember the egg- cakes :)  This cake is fantastic with sliced strawberries on top!
Sour Cream Pound Cake
1 cup of butter
3 cups sugar
6 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1/4 tsp. baking soda
3 cups flour
1 tsp. vanilla
Bake at 325 degrees for 1.5 hours in a 10 inch greased and floured tube pan (or for less time in mini-pans!)