Courage Is Not Optional

Courage is not optional.  Courage is not the absence of fear, but proceeding in the face of it.

This is without a doubt one of my favorite things in this journal, one that I turn to time and time again.  Courage is such a hard trait to have at times, but one that we should always possess and use.  

Fear is something that paralyzes so many people from various things- pursuing what they really want in life, fighting for someone or something that they need or deserve, even the fear of a sickness or disease.  Before I read this quote years ago, I believed that courage truly was the absence of fear.  People that were courageous to me were fearless, and were so strong and brave.  Witnessing my mom's battle and this quote coming to life were proof that courage is in fact not the absence of fear.  It is moving forward, fighting the fear head on with everything in your heart and soul.  

I chose to write about this quote this week because I have received several questions/emails about what exactly happened to my sweet mom. With Mother's Day closing in on us, I thought that this would be an appropriate time to answer these questions and pay tribute to the lesson that she taught that we can all learn from- proceeding in the face of fear, no matter what that fear may be.

My family at my Mom's surprise 50th birthday party- just 6 months before she left this Earth.

It was a chilly November evening- Thanksgiving Eve, and I had just gotten home from college for Thanksgiving break of my senior year.  I can still picture the Abercrombie khakis and Gap blue sweater I had on.  Jeremy's parents had picked us up and drove us the four hour jaunt home.  No sooner did I get in the door, and my parents summoned me to the family room.  I immediately knew something was wrong.  My mom very calmly explained to me that she had found a lump in her armpit while shaving in the bathtub the previous week.  She had just had a routine mammogram 2 weeks prior that was NORMAL.  (complete side note- don't just rely on tests, trust your instincts and know your own body.)  My mom was a nurse and a nursing instructor at a local small college, so she knew what to do immediately.  She called her doctor and had the lump aspirated, as well as an MRI of her breast 2 days later.  The results had come back that it was a very invasive form of breast cancer.  

This photo was labeled on the back as "first day of chemo".

I remember sinking into the couch and thinking it was a bad dream.  She went on that it was obviously already in her lymph nodes and that she would be having surgery on the day after Thanksgiving to remove all of the lymph nodes and the miniscule lump in her breast that was found through the MRI.  She told me that the type of cancer was pretty rare and not very responsive to treatment.  The doctors had given her 5 years maximum to live.  Then my mom said something that has stuck with me all of these years, something that perfectly sums up her attitude throughout her entire sickness.  She said "Andy (my nickname in my immediate family), listen- I can either curl up in a hole and die, or I can fight like hell...what do you think I am going to do?"  

My college graduation from Miami- she almost couldn't come because
of low white blood cell counts.

From that moment forward, my mom plowed straight into the valley of fear with a barrel of courage.  She had surgery 2 days later and immediately started a hard-core regimen of chemo and radiation.  Her hair was gone by Christmas.  I know she was scared- she kept many, many personal journals throughout her ordeal and I often would sneak a peek at them to see what was going on with her.  She wouldn't always tell me every detail because she didn't want to worry me, especially when I just had one semester of college left to finish up.  I know that she worried tremendously about what would happen to my dad, my brothers, her mom, and myself.  I know that she was scared of the treatments- but she proceeded.  

After one of many rounds of chemo at my older brother's wedding

She was declared in remission shortly after my college graduation in May, but was warned that it would be back.  She continued to face her fear head on.  She did whatever she possibly could to avoid having the evil disease come back- she worked out everyday.  She ate an extremely healthy diet- I specifically recall driving all over God's green earth with her to find broccoli sprouts and some sort of shark oil- they were said to have major cancer-fighting agents in them.  But still it came back.  Again and again and again.  In her neck, in her chest, it wouldn't go away.  We would hold our breath every time she went for body scans and blood work.  She went everywhere from her amazing local oncologist to Cleveland Clinic to James Cancer Center in Columbus to a trial at Sloan-Kettering in New York to John Hopkins in Baltimore.  She just saw no other option other than to proceed.  Was she scared? Of course.  But to her, courage was NOT optional.  

In the midst of it all, she always helped others-
here she is in my first grade classroom teaching my
students to make chocolate covered pretzels.

Once it became apparent in early 2006 that the end would be coming soon, her courage continued to grow.  I literally make myself sick at times thinking about what must have been going through her head during these months...months when treatment ceased, months when she was in so much pain.  She knew that she was going to be leaving us, and still she had courage.  Courage to look at death straight in the face and say "It's ok."  Courage to write us guides for how to live our lives.  Courage to proceed into the unknown with so much faith, so much peace.  

Christmas 2005- her last one

I remember sooo many times during those final couple of months when I would hang out at my parents' house and lay in bed with my mom.  We would watch some HGTV, some food network, and talk.  I remember so clearly asking her if she was scared...and she always said the same thing.  She was not scared to die.  She was not scared of where she would be going.  Her faith was SO strong, so huge, she knew it would be ok.  She was scared of leaving us.  Like any mother, she was scared of who would take care of us, who would fulfill her role and duties.  She found the courage to leave us journals, baby blankets, Christening blankets, and so much more.  She fought through her fears, fears that would paralyze some, and kept giving everything she could to the end.  

Something else that stands out in my mind, something that is so hard for me to wrap my head around, is that she was NEVER angry.  Never.  Sometimes we see people that have such large fears that they become angry and bitter because of them.  My mom had so much faith in God's plan and so much peace in her heart that she was never, ever angry.  Was she sad at times?  Yes.  I think seeing her angry would have been easier to deal with than seeing her sad.  She didn't show it often, but the times that I saw her sad about leaving us were pretty unbearble.  When I think back to it, being sad a few times in front of me was just part of her having courage.  Courage to be honest, open, and real. Courage to love as only a mother can love.  

She was supposed to be on "house arrest" because of low white blood cell
count during my wedding shower, but she set it all up, made much of the food,
and just sat by herself so as not to get germs.  She wouldn't have missed
it for the world!

Now, there are many, many things in the book she left me, as well as her own journals, that make it very apparent that her faith in God was her backbone.  She could not have ever proceeded the way that she did without her faith and trust in God.   Ultimately, it was God who gave her this courage that she displayed everyday.  It was prayer that led her along the path of fear she faced.

  

Since having children of my own, I face constant fears.  I am a worrier by nature, and as a mother, I constantly fear for my children's health, safety, and happiness.  I fear for my own health, as I could potentially face what my own mom did.  I repeat this quote to myself at least 10 times a day- courage is not the absence of fear!  It is proceeding in the face of it.  I have been taking steps towards some drastic preventative measures to avoid dealing with the awful disease that took my mom all too soon- and I am extremely fearful of doing so.  But I find courage in my mom's words, knowing that it is ok to be scared, as long as that fear doesn't hold me back from moving forward.  

I pray that I can teach these three about being courageous no matter what.

When my mom sat down to write this part of the journal, I don't necessarily think that she was centering it around her courage of facing cancer head on.  I think she simply wanted me to know that no matter what I face, no matter what scares me or causes me to fill with fear, I must never allow it to stop me from my end goal.  It is ok to be scared, it is human and natural.  But we must never, ever give up because of fear.  Whether that fear is failure, embarrassment, pain, heartache, or more, we must proceed.  Then, if when all is said and done, we still end up with the failure, pain, embarrassment, or heartache, we are still left with something- knowledge that we had courage to fight.  Pride that fear didn't stop us from trying, and pride that we pushed on and gave it our best shot.  I pray that I can instill this in my own children, even as children.  I don't ever want fear to hold them back from anything (unless it is something like skydiving or swimming with sharks).  I want them to know that it is ok to be scared, but to always be courageous.  

As my mom said to me on that Thanksgiving eve so many years ago, she was going to fight like hell.  That she did.  Full of faith, hope, and courage.  And that is a lesson that I will never forget.

This magnet hung on my parents refrigerator for years and now hangs on mine.  :)